I Don't Love You Pills
by Jrocknpoppingirl
Summary: Ruki loves Reita but Kai loves Ruki. Kai has forced himself into denial but can't handle it anymore so he leaves this letter of explanation for Ruki to read. the GazettE fanfic


Dear Ruki,

Hey, Ru. It's me, Kai. I'm sure you know that already. I need to explain myself to you, why I did this. I know you are prolly mad at me for doing this but are putting on a strong face for Reita. Am I right? I always knew you better than anyone else.

I came to the band last and ended up leaving first. I'm sorry for the rudeness of that. I can't stay and keep lying to myself. I'm gonna start at the beginning and, again, I'm really sorry for this.

Ten years ago, I was going nowhere with a nowhere band. Then you found me and plucked me from obscurity. You thought I had talent and made me part of your family.

Before the GazettE, I had never known a band could be as functional and crazy as we were. I was so happy being where I was. I was one of the guys, we were all friends. Then it started changing.

I started noticing the little things. No one ever really notices the little things unless they are in love. I told myself that I wasn't and that became my ritual. I pushed myself into denial. I admit it now but not all of it. I feel in love with someone who was off-limits. Every morning, I took my vitamins and pretended that this pill made my love for him disappear. I called them my "I don't love you" pills. With his face in mind, I would take my pill and try to go about my day like I was not in love with someone.

And then, one day, he broke the rules I had tortured myself with not breaking. He started dating one of the members of the band. That was our one and only rule, no dating anyone involved with our family. But the singer and bassist announced that they are a couple to the family. Announced it only to us.

You guys announced it backstage right before our tour final. I put on a false smile, pretended to be happy for you. Then I had to go on stage as Smiley-Kai. On the inside, I was screaming and crying. I had to pretend that I was perfectly okay when my life had never been further from okay ever. At that moment, I knew I had lost the man I lved to another. I'll never forgive you two for announcing it to us. I had to put my mask on and pretend while you two were living on cloud nine.

It's been a month since then. I have tried so hard to pretend that nothing has bothered me. I still take my "I don't love you" pills every day. But I cannot go on like this. Lying to myself, lying to my family, lying to my love…It takes too much from me to keep it up any longer. I'm giving up.

You have it narrowed down to one of two people for whom I hold affections. It is either you, Ru, or your boyfriend, Reita. I think you know which of you it is, you're smart enough. No, observant enough. Not that you aren't smart. You are one of the smartest people I know. Always have been and always will be. You are a musical and artistic genius. It is one of my favorite things about you.

I didn't take my "I don't love you" pill this morning. That is why I'm telling you this now. I love you, Ruki. Not as a brother. Not as a Mama. As a lover. I wasn't to be with you in the one way I cannot. You already have Reita and I cannot stop your happiness..

Everything that we had between us has changed now. Everything will be different now that you know. That is why I'm leaving the family. I'm leaving Tokyo and going to live in a small town by the sea. You will never have to see me and try to find something to say. I know you well enough to know that you would try to find something to say to make me feel better about this but there is nothing that can be said. You are free from that obligation and, hopefully, from guilt.

I love you and am so very sorry. I am trying my hardest not to cry as I write this. I am breaking my heart right now but I am willing to endure all of the heartbreak that it takes for you to be happy. As long as you are with someone who you love and loves you in return, I am capable of dealing with any situation that life may throw. Including telling you good bye. Including never seeing you again.

This is my good bye. My train leaves in a half hour and I still need to bring this letter to your apartment so I'm gonna wrap this up now. I love you and I am glad that you know this fact.

Good bye

I love you

Yutaka

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This is a story inspired by the picture I have a link to below. It took me a while to write and I guess it's a bit of an apology to everyone for my lack of updating. I'll try to update more for my other stories once school is over in a few weeks and I have free time in the week. Please go and vote on my profile which story you want me to update more and I'll go from there. I vow to finish at least one of my multi-chapter fics before the beginning of my senior year in September!

24 . media . tumblr tumblr_lyb01pjoPZ1qh8qbdo1_500 . jpg (Just remove the spaces)


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